that i won’t be able to accomplish even half of what I’ve set out to do….

I stopped dreaming of world peace years ago after getting disenchanted with it’s cliched over use in beauty pageants and politicians justifications of distant rage  en foreign wars…

i worry that we’re going to kill ourselves way too soon, even though it seems like there’s  rising anxiety about the state of things and yet  it’s always been there…..why wouldn’t we be looking over our shoulder and worrying about our safety when so many people’s lives have been taken in the service of conquests and imperialism?

i worry that i may lose it, as so many others, en that I might take my life rather than be complacent in the advancement of the power of those that already have en are NOT  willing to accomodate the concerns of those who not too long ago held the key to our survival.

i worry about making the right choice(s) en being independent. what does it mean to be free anyway when as I am, I depend on relationships with others? I was born of a (biological) woman, as everyone of us was….that may the only thing that we have in common with each other. yet (i worry) it’s (not) enough….

the more I know, the more I read and deconstruct, the bigger the battle seems and I know without a doubt that I can not do it alone….yet……where are my comrades right now? we all struggling to be heard en it seems kin cuts deepest….I am here because of the community en the community will be here (even) without me….

so what is my purpose if I don’t follow my destiny? when there are so many paths and theories, how does one really know what the truth is?

the truth is, that I know very little, yet I am learned by today’s standards, en the more I come into myself, the less I fear death.

I am mortal, I was born, I yam, en I shall die, to live (another night) again.

today, en in the past few moons, despite all my best intentions, I have not achieved what I set out to do….en yet I am where I want(ed) to be…though not at home….that’s where I yearn to go back to…home….

en now that concept, for me, is scattered across time en geographical locations….

my dreams seem to be constrained by the material/world.

so I worry….that I won’t be able to get away as easily as I’d like/need to,

or nurture my fantasies into fruition…

i’ve already sacrificed so much,

I wonder what else if left for me to give,

will it be my life or my sanity?

i’m holding on to both for now…..